Genre: Romance

Author: Joshua Harris

Promises are made to be broken. Even the should-be credible authors commit the same mistakes of withdrawing what was said—just as Joshua Harris did.

Author of the international bestseller I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Harris now promotes courtship after five years of giving it up himself. Inspired by his 7-year-old marriage with Shannon Hendrickson, Harris publishes his new inspiration-filled book Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship (Multnomah Publishers, Inc., 2000).

Going back in time

Just as he started the discourse with a fictional narrative of Adam’s love story with Eve, Harris brings into memory his initial ordeal with dating through his past relationships.

Before he met Hendrickson, Harris claims he had been an ordinary guy who has had flings and shallow relationships. In the book, he even admitted his past misconduct as he writes:

Our relationship was an area of my life that I had refused to submit to God. When it ended, He began to show me how selfish I was. I’d used her to satisfy my own sinful desires. Even though we never went all the way, I’d lead her into a sinful physical relationship. I had hurt her. I had broken a lot of promises.

With this realization, Harris shared his experience and published this book “to challenge other singles to reconsider the way they pursued romance in the light of God’s Word.” True enough, Harris imparts in this book his God-glorifying relationship with Hendrickson and how they two opted to commence their unity with marriage.

Indeed, it is a long love story to tell how the two met, courted, and married so let’s fast track and concentrate on Harris real-life lessons to improve on relationships.

Courtship vs. dating

Is courting more holy than dating?

Harris says courtship is not necessarily more holy than dating. But compared to dating, courtship is a new season of friendship that encourages moves to deepen our relationship so that we could prayerfully and purposefully explore the possibilities of marriage. In Harris’ shorter terms, courtship is a “special season in romance where a man and a woman are seriously weighing the possibilities of marriage” but it is not a form of pre-engagement. Harris further says that courtship is “a time to consider the possibility of marriage and seek to make a wise decision.”

Since Harris introduced a God-glorifying motive to deal with courtship, he further promotes it through his five essential characteristics of a purposeful romantic relationship that follows:

1. Joyful obedience to God’s word.

2. The selfless desire to do what’s best for the other person.

3. The humble embrace of the community.

4. A commitment to guard the sacredness of sex.

5. A deep satisfaction in God.

“Why so serious?” one might think. But just as Harris puts it: “courtship is in one sense a commitment—it’s a promise not to play games with another person’s heart.” He further said that it’s a willingness to honestly explore the merits of a lifelong commitment. Thus evidences his consideration of courtship as “dating with a purpose.”

But then again, when is it the right time to consider marriage?

Harris, through citation of other non fictive love stories other than his, quoted this list of questions a couple can actually ponder upon as regards possibilities of marriage:

1. Am I prepared to lead my wife spiritually and serve her in every way?

2. Do I have proven character and am I growing in godliness?

3. To whom and for whom am I accountable?

4. How am I involved in the church? What are my gifts and ministry areas? What are hers?

5. Are my motives for pursuing marriage selfish and worldly, or are they to honor God?

6. Can I provide financially?

7. What do my pastors and parents have to say?

Read my lips

In courtship, Harris argues that it is not kissing but communicating that we can best use our lips with.

Since Harris believes that communicating is more than just talking, here he mentions the five principles of authentic communication:

1. Communication problems are usually heart problems.

2. Your ears are your most important communication tools.

3. Good communication doesn’t happen by accident.

4. The absence of conflict doesn’t equal good communication. In here, he quoted Gary and Betsy Ricucci, authors of Love That Lasts, their ten tips for communication that can help you when you’re experiencing conflict in your relationship:

a. Learn to express your feelings and frustrations honestly but without accusing or attacking the other person (Proverbs 11:9).

b. Choose words, expressions, and a tone of voice that are kind and gentle. Don’t use speech that could easily offend or spark an argument (Proverbs 15:1).

c. Don’t exaggerate, distort, or stretch the truth. Avoid extreme words like never and always (Ephesians 4:25).

d. Give actual and specific examples. If necessary, make notes before you communicate. Stay away from generalities.

e. Commit yourself to seeking solutions instead of airing your grievances. Getting even isn’t the goal—you want to get things resolved (Romans 12:17-21).

f. Listen to what the other person is saying, feeling, and needing. Try to detect his or her underlying concerns (James 1:19).

g. Refuse to indulge bitterness, anger, withdrawal, or argument. Though these emotions are normal, indulging them is sin (Ephesians 4:26).

h. Don’t hesitate to acknowledge your own failure, and be quick to forgive the other person. Make sure you don’t hold a grudge (Luke 17: 3-4).

i. Keep talking and asking questions until you are sure that you both understand clearly what the other is saying and feeling. Encourage each other as you press toward a solution (Romans 14:19).

j. Train your mouth and heart until you can say the right thing at the right time in the right way for the right reasons.

5. Motive is more important than technique.

Now what?

“Boys,” Harris writes. “Lets be men.”

In this book, he shares his four practical ways for men to be the protectors of their relationships with women:

1. Assume the possibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women.

2. Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women.

3. Do little things in your relationships that communicate your care, respect, and desire to protect.

4. Encourage women to embrace godly femininity.

Harris continues, “Girls: be godly ladies.”

1. In your relationships with godly men, encourage and make room for them to practice servant leadership.

2. Be a sister to the men in your life.

3. Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.

4. Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life.

But the path to marriage doesn’t simply end there. Finally, Harris provides questions before you buy the ring:

1. Is your relationship centered on God and His glory?

2. Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?

3. Are you clear on your biblical roles as man and woman?

4. Are other people supportive of your relationships?

5. Is sexual desire playing too big (or too small) a part in your decision?

6. Do you have a track record of solving problems biblically?

7. Are you heading in the same direction in life?

8. Have you taken into account any cultural differences you have?

9. Do either of you have complicating entanglements from past marriages or relationships?

10. Do you want to marry this person?

Before you say I do

As Harris writes, “Getting married is your choice. You are the one who will affirm vows and say ‘I do.’ No one—and no ‘leading’—can constrain or compel you to make these vows.”

And just as you think its your ultimate end, marriage is actually just the beginning. In Harris’ words:

The romantic pursuit doesn’t end with the marriage ceremony. Till my dying day, I want to be working to win Shannon’s heart, to grow closer to her as a friend, to be more skilled as a lover. We’ve only just begun.” (Kris Bayos)